She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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