Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
