is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
