god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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