she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
