Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
