Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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