I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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