Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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