I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize