help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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