The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
