i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize