i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
