Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
