my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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