i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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