hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
