um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
