You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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