I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
