Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
