I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
