Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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