I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
