I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
