You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
