jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
