I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
