My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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