My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize