seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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