I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
