Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
