Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
