Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
