I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
