he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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