saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I just sharted jello shots
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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