Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
