if i can run in heels then i can drive
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
