This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this will be a night to untag.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
