at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize