I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
