I think I won the penis lottery.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
