Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
