It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
