I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
