oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
