I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
