i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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