I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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