omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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