someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
