your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
