if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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