I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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